What is it? What are you looking at?
You see what his problem is? No image. He just looks like some sort of muffin with a handcart.
It's a decent occupation. What, pushing a handcart?
Some very famous people have pushed handcarts. Like who?
Napoleon. What was he selling?
Fish. Then one day he said to himself, "That's it with fish -
"I'm going to be Emperor."
How come you never thought of that? Becoming Emperor? Oh, it's too late. There's no vacancies.
Besides, there's no job security. You're better with the handcart.
But he's got to do something to make him not look like just a bloke with a handcart.
He needs a bird-puller. He needs a nice sporty little vehicle that's going to transform his image.
He can't afford a nice sporty little vehicle.
Can you find him a load of rubbish we can make look like a sporty little vehicle?
I was never one to refuse a challenge.
I had this terrible dream Robin Hood was ginger.
No wonder he was in the greenwood. They can't take too much sun.
Ginger Hood! I like it!
His hair was really bright ginger!
Maybe it was a wig.
Why would he wear a ginger wig? He's going to stand out in the greenwood, isn't he?
Some good - wearing green tights to blend in, and then a ginger wig! Maybe they were having a concert.
He was doing a turn.
Maybe that's what they used to give the poor. Concerts.
I bet they'd rather have had money.
You're taking the wee-wee, aren't you, eh? It was very upsetting to me to see Robin Hood ginger.
Wigs are one thing. Was he wearing eye-liner?
Oh, you've got no conscience, you lot.
FEMALE VOICE WAILS
WAILING
SOBBING Lady in distress. I may have trained all my life for this.
They can be tricky. I've seen this in the vice squad.
You go up. You say, "Are you all right, madam?" Next thing you know, you're in a fluffy pink boudoir.
I'm not going in any fluffy pink boudoir! I don't have suitable footwear!
WAILING
You have to have some sympathy for females...even though you're married to one.
We can't just ignore her. I'm not going near a lady,
in distress, or not!
Ladies don't agree with me, and vice-versa.
Come on, Billy, it'll take your mind off Robin Hood being ginger.
He's gone!
You don't want me, missus! HE'S for ladies in distress.
I'm just planning and logistics.
Don't look at me, I need both hands free for exaggerating. Now, what...
What seems to be the trouble, madam?
He's gone!
She's lost a dog, I bet. Gone chasing a rabbit.
Lionel. My husband. He's gone!
Oh! Probably not chasing a rabbit.
He's gone for good this time.
Oh, he's done a runner before, then?
He gets gloomy, and off he goes.
How do you know this time's for good, then? He told me.
We were driving along in the car,
perfectly normal, and he stops the car, turns and says "That's it, Mavis. I've had enough. I'm gone.
"I wish you all the best for the future, but I've gone."
Is there some other woman involved?
Oh, nicely put(!) There usually is!
Maybe he wants a break.
Maybe he'll be back in...30 years.
I want you to find him.
Have no fear, madam.
You're looking at Truly of the Yard, formerly Inspector Truelove, CID, manhunter extraordinaire.
If anyone can find him, it's yours truly. Now, um, what does he look like?
What does he look like?
Oh, come on, Mavis, what does he look like?
Well, he looks like Lionel.
That narrows it down(!)
Is he... Is he ginger?
No, he's not ginger! I'm sure he's not ginger.
Isn't it funny how you never really look at people?
Well, how tall is he, then?
Tall? Tall...
Well...
just about right.
What do you want? What do I want? What kind of a greeting is that?
What's wrong with "Good morning, Alvin? How are you feeling, Alvin?" I haven't time to stand blithering.
I'm in the middle of housework. Now, what do you want? How long is it since you left charm school?
Hey, hang on a minute. Give us a chance! Do your hair up a bit, well, maybe a lot. Put on some make-up.
I want to take your photo. Photo?
A little glossy likeness - usually about 6 x 4. I know what it is!
Why do you want my photo? I need a model. You need doing up. I think it's fate.
Brushed your hair recently? Of course. With a yard brush?!
I admire your spirit. It's just the container that needs some work.
Just a minute... You can't look me in the eye, can you?!
I'm too much man for you.
I'll train her yet.
I'm going to be the bloke that tamed Nora Batty!
You're in trouble! Your number's up!
SHE WAILS
No wonder he left her. Can you imagine that in a small bedroom?
Tell her we'll find him. He can't have gone far if he's on foot.
Of course, he might have broken his leg or been run over by a bus.
Yeah, well, I bet that'll cheer her up(!) HONKING
MAVIS WAILS What is it? It's a Mavis.
I mean, what's wrong? She's mislaid her husband.
We can't just leave her here. She'll upset the wildlife. Take her back while we go and find her husband.
You see? A single lady in your car already!
There you go, Smiler, you've got a right bird-puller here.
Where am I taking her? Where do you take spare ladies?
To Pearl's. She's experience of dealing with wandering husbands.
MAVIS SOBS AND WAILS
Right. Let's go and find ourselves a Lionel. Shouldn't we be looking for HER Lionel?
She'll get the first Lionel we find.
We ought to do this more often, Barry - just come for a ride to admire the scenery.
We live in the middle of all this beautiful scenery and we don't look at it often enough. It's true.
Which bit do you want to look at? Well, the nice bits.
What, all of 'em?
No, we'll start with one or two.
Oh, pull up here!
The way he's staring, he must have found a nice bit.
I expected more.
There must be nicer bits. Nice?
You think things are "nice"?
Do you realise how many things are eating each other out there right now?
Bones cracking... Shells cracking! Crunch, crunch!
You can fair hear the jaws going. Tiny shrieks of agony.
But it makes no difference.
Yummy, yummy. Crunch, crunch, crunch!
What about the vegetarians? They've been eaten first.
There's nothing wildlife likes more than a good vegetarian between its teeth. We just came for the view.
Yes. Go on!
Enjoy the view! It's all there. Spread out before you.
Nature's table.
The meat being eaten before it's dead. You can't get fresher than that.
We ought to be going, Barry. We have that call to make. Where?
Well, not the butcher's. Oh, right. That call.
And you know what else is out there? The big threat!
The real killer. The one you never see.
Are you with me? Well, I'm... I'm nearly with you.
Let me say one word to you. Make it "goodbye", Barry. Just one word.
Well, if it's just one...
Spores. Sorry?
Spores. Invisible. On the wind.
Floating through the air. Swarming with micro-nasties.
And you know where they're heading, don't you? Straight for human lungs.
They may be on your next breath.
Urgh-hurgh!
One cough, and you've gone!
Home, Barry!
Spores!
You don't think he could be right about spores? It's all rubbish. Take me home!
Urgh-hurgh! Stop it, Barry!
It's quite simple.
You get the ladder out, you clean the gutters. I hate that. They get full of yucky stuff.
That's why they need cleaning out, you muffin.
They're usually quite good at the yucky stuff. I've known some with a real flair.
Have you got anywhere we can leave this person till her husband comes back?
What's the problem? Her husband just walked off and left her.
That's a problem? He'll come back.
Men always go back to their wives. But sometimes they go the long way round.
Come in, love. We'll swap a few experiences. Yes, come on.
How do you mean, he's wandered off? How did he get away? What was his excuse?
It's her, she's his excuse.
He just went away. They're looking for him now.
I like his style. He's worth finding.
Now, with regard to Lionel,
we start by trying to put ourselves into the man's frame of mind.
He was depressed. Where would he go?
Almost anywhere, these days.
I usually wax me bow. Done your legs, have you?
Tha' does learn some stuff in the vice squad.
Well, go on, then, where would he go?
Well, I've no idea. I'm not depressed.
The only way we have of putting ourselves into his shoes is if we get depressed.
I could fetch the wife and her sister. That only works for you.
If we met somebody really cheerful...
Now, that always depresses me.
Then we'll have to invent something gloomy. OK.
If we're gonna go for it, let's really go for it. Let's imagine...
the world's going to end next Tuesday. Can we make it Wednesday? It's my darts night on Tuesday.
There's always somebody not ready! All right, Wednesday. What time?
We wouldn't start without you.
Does it matter what time? I think it would at the time! Any more requests?
You'd think it'd be simple enough to arrange the end of the world! We're still waiting for the time.
All right. Half past four.
Morning or afternoon?
Didn't he have a parrot? Why would he have a parrot?
I never got round to motive. I just remember he had a parrot.
I never saw a parrot. He didn't have it when we arrested him. He didn't keep it on his shoulder.
He kept it at home. Dropping sunflower seeds all over the stolen goods. And not just from its beak!
No wonder he didn't have it on his shoulder.
What can we do for you, sir? I want to give meself up.
Ask him for what. If he's killed someone, I should shut that window.
Have you got any unsolved cases?
Whatever you've got, I'll sign a confession. I've had enough. I just want to be locked away somewhere.
We can't just lock anybody up. You've got to deserve it.
Listen, I pay taxes. I've a right to be locked up!
It's all right for you, sir, you just get locked up, but what about us? We've got all that paperwork.
There's a ton of paperwork. For one locking-up?
That's one of the reasons why police forces everywhere have no time for crime.
I'm sorry I bothered you. It's no bother, sir. That's why we're here.
Come back when you've done something. If you want locked up, best bet is to assault a burglar.
That brings down the full weight of the law. Very keen on protecting burglars, is the law!
You've been very helpful! I'm even more depressed now.
How does he think we feel?! At least he didn't have a parrot.
Well, come on, then. Show a bit of enthusiasm.
I've got things to do if the world's ending next Wednesday. You were there!
It's just something we made up! I know. But it was very convincing.
Hey up! It's Romance on Wheels.
I know what you're thinking, but we're on a humanitarian mission.
We're looking for a Lionel. We're all looking for a Lionel!
Then why is Norman Clegg going the other way? Because he thinks the world is going to end on Wednesday,
and he's got to get his library book back in a hurry.
Good heavens. Well, I warn you all now, I shall be looking for one stormer of a Tuesday.
Nothing'll happen on Wednesday. I hope that won't interfere with a girl's plans for Tuesday!
What plans for Tuesday?! Fasten your seatbelt, Howard.
What's this, then? A lone figure with the world on its shoulders.
That could be a Lionel. He looks depressed enough.
He's every right to be if the world's going to end next Wednesday.
It is? Next Wednesday?
You're joking! That's the best news I've had all week.
Has he been a good husband? He's been fine since last Monday.
What about before last Monday? He only came back last Monday.
Came back from where? His mother's.
I wish I'd listened to my mother. I know what you mean.
Trouble is, by the time you realise how right they were, you've gone wrong.
I expect it's so easy to go wrong.
Not as easy as you think if you're dependent on public transport.
I was always in search of some defining moment... Some ultimate experience.
I suppose we all squeeze what juice we can out of life.
There are some very good extractors on the market, but then, of course, you've got the washing up.
I don't get through much juice since Wally passed away. He used to like a bit on his pancakes.
He only had juice once a year on Pancake Day? He had pancakes on a weekly basis.
I used to indulge certain of his fancies. If you don't, there's always somebody else that will.
What amazes me is... where do they get your address?
Does it really exist?
Has anyone ever found the perfect blend of excitement and hearts beating as one?
There has to be, I think, a touch of danger -
a leap into recklessness.
One has to risk! Or could it be that love is only to be found on the edge of the precipice?
There used to be plenty to be had in them woods near the river.
That was before they built the Civic Centre. I only went once.
He said we were going blackberrying.
I thought, "Ooh, that's clever!"
He even brought a basin. Took me a week to get the purple off me fingers.
When you say he came back from his mother's, how long had he been there? Six years.
Well, it's nice when they're fond of their mother, but six years?!
We had a tiff. He got up from the table and he said, "I'm going to me mother's."
She only lives in the next street. I thought he'd be back for suppertime. If he was only in the next street,
you must have seen him sometime. He came home once for Christmas day.
Did you invite him? No, he just dropped in. How long did he stay?
About five minutes. There was no rum sauce, so he went back to his mother's.
Are you sure you want him back?
Oh, yes. We were childhood sweethearts.
That Lionel's got a personality like a bad weather forecast.
What's the forecast? Wet and windy. I'd have thought he'd cheer up once he'd heard about the world ending.
He says he'd rather it ended on some other day, because he always finds Wednesdays to be unlucky!
Look at him! He's contagious! He gives everybody the willies.
We need the Sage!
Lionel needs to consult the Sage.
The Sage? As in sage and onion?
As in wise old scholar. Steeped in mysterious lore.
Right. No onion.
A figure famous for his ancient wisdom and reconditioned electrical appliances.
Entwistle! What kind of a sage is Entwistle?
You think Lionel's spirits will be lifted by a second hand spin-drier? If we dress Entwistle up a bit,
he could look the part. He could look like somebody who might have words of wisdom.
True wisdom lies not in the answers, but in the asking of the right questions. He's a natural!
Makes you wonder why he made such a bog of rewiring our wash-house.
It's facing the wrong direction. I did warn you. Let him get on with his wisdoming.
What are these questions that a sage would ask?
The Sage, modifying his breathing, freeing his mind of distractions, would ask...does sageing pay?
Would it be better than working your buns off electrically?
How about here, eh? This looks nice.
If I was a sage, I'd set up for business right here.
You don't think maybe a sleek modern office, nice carpet, leather swivel chair?
We think right here.
Here, put this on.
Stay here. We'll bring him to you. I'm not staying here on my own.
You get wildlife up your trouser leg. In the greenwood, we laugh at wildlife up your trouser leg.
Why do you think Robin Hood wore tights?
You'll never walk out on me, will you, Barry? Why would I walk out on you? Lionel walked out on Mavis.
Just like that. Stopped his car, got out and walked away. He just left her?
Parked on the grass verge. You needn't worry about me doing that.
I'd never leave my car. Oh, Barry!
Just joking. Come on, let's go home.
We've got to give Mavis a lift back to her car. Lionel won't know where to find her if he comes back.
Then we'll stay with her until he's back. Suppose he never comes back?
Sometimes they don't!
MAVIS WAILS
Thank you, Miss Davenport(!)
Who is he, this, er...this Sage?
We don't know exactly. He sort of appeared from the East.
A bit mysteriously, really, because the bus service is terrible.
But one day, there he was.
He's been a great source of strength to the neighbourhood ever since.
Doing what? Sageing. Full-time sageing.
Word soon spreads. He's got an advert up in the chip shop. Next to Harry's Hire Cars and Taxis.
He's been a great fount of wisdom.
The Sage. Not Harry.
I don't believe in wisdom.
We're nearly there. You can... You can feel his aura.
Now, eyes down, and approach respectfully.
Who's he? Oh! Oh, well... I'm just a fan.
Oh, well,
I suppose a disciple, really.
Ever since he talked Mrs Shillitoe down from the bakery roof.
He's wonderful! I came here utterly depressed, and he...he just lifts your spirits instantly!
How does he do that?
Wise man adapts method to level of fee. There's a charge?
Money well spent! You'll never regret it! I regret it already!
How come he's called Entwistle?!
CLEGGY LAUGHS It's a famous name in wisdom circles!
He's not just your basic Entwistle.
He's at the seventh level of Entwistle. Eight. Owing to recent successful completion of exam.
Eh, tha's in luck, Lionel! He's still charging 7th-level rates.
It gets worse. When's he going to start with this wisdom, then?
Man contemplating journey should wear boots.
That's it? Boots?
He's just warming up. There's more.
She's obviously not got a firm grip of him. It's slipshod, letting him go to his mother's for six years.
They can be tricky. Wally's mother was inclined to think my Yorkshire puddings were beneath him.
MUSIC: "Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy"
What the blood and stomach pills is he doing?
He's trying to get me to smile.
With one record player? Huh, he'll need the full orchestra!
Thank you so much, friends!
Oh, thank you!
Entwistle's done a great job in restoring a Lionel to the human race.
Is that really doing anybody a favour, do you think? Entwistle, how did you do it? Entwistle?
Entwistle?
Wise man knows all joy is smoke in wind.
To abstain from hope is beneficial.
Oh, 'eck! Lionel's depressed him!
Oh, Lionel! You really mean we can go straight home without having to call at your mum's?
Just you and me, kid.
I had this long talk with a famous wise man. They're terrific, these wise men from Hull.
On your feet, Entwistle. Overcome these depressive periods.
Look at me. I've had to face up to the chance Robin Hood was ginger.
I'll give you one word. Spores.
Get up, Entwistle. Get up.
You're on damp grass!
Come on, lass, what DOES makes you laugh?
Do you like a good joke? No. Do you like a bad joke? No. Well, what does make you laugh?
Gotcha!